These boots were made for walking ...

Blob helped organise a jumble sale on Saturday in aid of Cubs. A jumble sale by all accounts is where lots of Blobs turn up in the morning with bags and bags of stuff they dont want any more.

Then my Blob and her friends lay it out all neat (a little bit of an exaggeration) on tables around a room then wait til 2.00 pm when there a huge queue of people wanting to get in. When they get in there is a rush for about half an hour where the big queue turns into a grasping melee.

"Im not paying £1 for that (five matching cups and saucers) its not a complete set - call it 20p!"

"If it was a complete set, it would be worth at least £5, £1 is a bargain!"

"I'll leave it and i'll come back later and get 'em for 20p - you'll see."

Well she came back later and Blob told her it had been sold for £1.50 so she missed out on a bargain.

First of all she got sworn at and secondly felt obliged to put £1.50 in the pot at the end because she had hidden the cups and saucers and lied.

Blob did however show great restraint and didn't try suggesting that people could perhaps have cleaned their teeth before leaning into her face and offering her 5p for a 100 piece jigsaw.

And she did come away with a really funky (Blob's word) pair of boots.

They are very heavy - and Blob reckons that if she keeps on wearing them she'll have great buttocks.

They also make her couple of inches taller which means she can look down on a few people. Not all the people because lets face it, she's shorter than everyone without boots, so a couple on inches doesn't actually make her taller than very many people - but its a start.

She calls them her 'Kicking Boots' and from my perspective, I need to get out of the way - I don't for one minute think she would actually try to kick me, but she is clumsy at the best of times and you can see where I'm going with this!

Ooh just located a pile of clean laundry to kip on and not a boot in sight!

Bob

From Dead Authors to Living Ones

The living author in question is Terry Pratchett. He is one of Blobs particular favourites and she reads his grown up books alongside those for younger readers with enthusiasm. However the other day she picked up a book that was slightly different. This one was about the world - the real one - the one that we are living in except a long time ago, (and with the history being a bit different).

It was called "Nation", and involved shipwrecks in the Pelargic Ocean, tidal waves and survivors and it also spoke about duty, politics, science and love. It was quite beautiful according to Blob, but if this was the case - why did her face leak so much as she finished it. And then every time she thought about it for the next few days.

Blob is very strange - a book is beautiful and she leaks. I am beautiful and she swears a lot.

I sometimes wonder if I would be better treated if I were a book.

Perhaps ... but then there wouldn't be any hot dead animal to gorge on!

And she'd leave me on the edge of the bath all day!

Bob

Burnt

Some of you may remember that i behaved rather badly a few months ago when trying to get some food off Blobs plate.

I have tried to behave a little better since, however today she roast herself a pork belly, marianated in Mead and cooked on apples, sage and onions, and served it with a cider gravy.

When that came out of the oven i was literally quivering with anticipation and even beginning to drool a little (and I don't do drooling).

She carved herself a plateful and I could hear the crackling crack and the knife slicing the meat as if it was butter.

So desperate was i to get some (obviously because she is a great cook and I am her greatest fan - did my nose grow visibly just then?), that i was becoming a little impatient with my claws on her leg.

Now she made all the usual noises, and swore all the usual swears, but the smell was driving me wild.

If by any chance I had listened to her I would have heard words; "Wait!" and "Hot!" but I was far too busy being irritating.

So eventually she completely lost her rag and passed me a chunk of meat and said "Burn yourself on that then, and dont coming running to me when your nose catches fire?"

All I can say is that it was hot.

It was very hot.

I took a huge mouthful, shrieked, hissed and ran away.

I came back five minutes later, and surprisingly enough wasnt particularly interested in the pork any more.

But I did manage to sit in front of the fire making irritating mouth noises for the next two hours as partial revenge and I am still considering calling the RSPCA only my mouth is too sore to formulate words.

Miserably yours

Burnt Bob

George has it sooooooo wrong.

George, who is one of the pair of cats who lives with Blobs Godmother Jacky who I am sure has been previously mentioned sent me an email the other day.

Apparently my limping technique is regarded with some derision in their household.

Apparently George thinks he has bettered my limping technique by having a sore on his side.

Apparently if he licks the sore he gets lots of attention and doesnt forget he has a sore.

Well i have just one thing to say to you George:

"Sucker!"

I pretend to have a limp and then forget to limp. Depending on the timing of the said forgetting, leaves me with nice treats and no limp.

You, George, may well get your treats when you lick your sore, but at the end of the day, you still have a sore you great lummux.

And you get to wear the cone of indignity when you are caught.

So dont go calling me the amateur.

Much affrontedly

Bob

The Limp

Here's another lesson in getting ones own way with minimum effort. It is called 'The Limp'.

Firstly, it is much easier to limp on a front foot than a back foot. This way one also gets to sit down and lift ones foot up in the air in a rather pathetic way.

This was one of my favourite ruses, and was worth the effort (especially if you try it coming down stairs to meet your Blob as she gets home from work), just to see the look on her face as she drops her bags and rushes to ones side to tend her poor, sore, unhappy Bob.

Unfortunately, you need to think long term in when you attempt such a ruse. My mistake was to forget to continue with the limp after i had had the first reaction, and bounded gaily to the kitchen (on all four feet) as Blob rose to get her little darling something nice!

Whoops!

I did try it again today, but just got 'The Look', which basically translates into "Forget it Bobster, do I look like I was born yesterday?"

Well apparently that is a rhetorical question, and things may have turned out better if I hadn't tried to suggest that it was laughably obvious that she was considerably older than that.

Another Whoops!

I wonder if you can limp on two feet at one time?

Bob
x

Now its Lewis Carrolls turn ...

Quote from Alice in Wonderland:

"I didn't know that Cheshire Cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know that Cats could grin." - Alice

Quote from me:

"Cats can grin, but are unlikely to find anything human remotely funny enough to warrant the effort." - Bob

Not Funny!

And the quote for today that made my Blob laugh so loud and long that i could count her fillings is:

"Something to remember, that: Cats for missiles"

Mervyn Peake, Titus Groan.

The sooner she gets over this Peake thing, the better.

Yours (not a missile)

Bob