Putting her foot in it!

Oh dear lawd, it's getting worse, i no longer have a permanent eating corner because the blob keeps moving the bowl to avoid the worst hit areas. Because she keeps moving it, she forgets where she put it and then keeps putting her blooming great feet in it. You would not believe the caterwauling (excuse the pun!) that goes on when she does this. The air is positively blue, yet i, as the patient and forgiving victim say nothing (I might perhaps snigger a bit when shes not looking). My food dish is now not just filthy - (we have no sink) - but it has five little plaster prints of her toes in it.

You would have thought that she would have been able to keep the bedroom a kitchen free area, but no, the bedroom is currently playing host to six dining chairs, two enormous house plants, the European dirty laundry mountain and all the cushions from the living room. It also has a large hole in the floor thats too small for me to get into but big enough to attract my feline instincts so i spend hours just sitting there with my head rammed in it.

She also keeps walking in there with her feet and blobby body all covered in plaster, cement, bits of rubble and general mess. My sleeping area is now completely full of dusty bits of kitchen and crumbs of breeze block.

To make things so much worse, she has some sort of cold, and probably exaggerated by the dust, she lies awake all night hacking and sniffing. How on earth am I supposed to sleep with all of this going on. It is so unfair, and when i complain, all i get is the pink blob, sniffing into her tissues with her eyes all red, saying,

"There there, it'll all be over next week."

Too right it will be over next week.

For one, the blob doesn't look like she's going to last much longer, and then who will feed me, footprints or no footprints. (I'd suggest that who would change the bed clothes, but she appears to have given up on this.)

And secondly, I'm not sure I can cope for much longer and my bags are packed and stashed in the bushes in the front garden just waiting for the final straw.

Counting down to VP Day (Vacating Property).

Bob

Thats it, i'm Leaving

For some strange reason, the big pink blob has decided to renovate her food preparation area. I find this strange as the only reason she has a food preparation area is so she can put my Felix in a bowl and allow me to eat it in my eating corner.

I'm not sure that her reasoning for this is sound. She says that it will enable her to entertain in a more participatory manner. She will be able to cook, chat and drink all at the same time. (Between you and me, she has never had any problem doing that in the past, especially the drinking and chatting bit!)

The first terror was when a huge lorry turned up and a huge amount of non edible stuff was stacked in the dining area.

Then she started moving all my stuff out of the kitchen cupboards and putting it in abstract places around the living room. Can I find anything now? In a word - "No!"

Things got considerably worse however when the plumber man turned up and started tearing up the floor boards in my bedroom and moving radiators and all the while the pink blob just smiled and laughed and chatted to him. Then another man turned up with a big hammer and started smacking holes in the ceiling and the wall.

All of a sudden there were piles of rubble all over the garden and the dining room floor.

I was surviving at this point - only just - then the patronising started!

"Hello little fella!"

"Ooh, is the little puss scared then?"

What the hell do you think?!

• You are in my house
• You are all bigger than me
• You are making a whole load of noise
• You are scaring the complete c**p out of me
• The end result is not in any way going to enhance my lifestyle.

So to keep it short, I left home - yes you heard - I left home, I packed my stuff and walked.

I did come back for supper however, mainly because I got a bit hungry - but I can tell you, my bags are packed and if it happens again tomorrow, i will indeed be leaving in the morning!

Sorrowfully signing off

Bob

Lazy is as lazy does!

The foul mouthed two legged pink blob said i was lazy! How could she? I am many things; gorgeous, svelt, shiny, smiley, sleepy and down right sexy - but not lazy. Never lazy.

She came up with some pictures to prove her point - well all i can say is 'Hah!'.

The first, i was having a quick kip following an extremely energetic jaunt next door - it may not sound terribly energetic, but when the man next door catches me trying to bury poo in his flower beds he tends to be fairly quick on his feet so i have to really peg it!

The second, well honestly, she cannot talk, i was waiting for her outside the bathroom. Its a dangerous place and one of my main roles in the house is to ensure that health and safety is followed. I have had the misfortune to see her in there, and she lies in the big white thing right up to her neck in bubbles and water. Yeeeeuuuuggghhh!

It is my sacred duty to protect her so i have to wait til she comes out to make sure she's ok because if she isn't then who will give me my bedtime biccies?

I'm so not lazy, its just that i have particular chores that no one else appreciates.

My jobs around the house are as follows:

• Patrol the perimeter


• Ensure that all my meals get to me on time


• Mark my territory both on the cherry tree in the garden, the back gate post and on the floor boards outside my bedroom


• Find warm comfortable places in which to sleep


• And last but not least, just before i curl up on the pillow, i have to ensure that all limbs are neatly tucked inside the duvet because if they are sticking out in any way, then i get to eat them.

Now this is not an easy job, it takes planning, thought and an inordinate amount of energy. So like i said, I am many things, but lazy is absolutely not one of them.

I can now feel my second afternoon nap coming on, so will sign off and see if i can coax any more warmth out of the sofa cushions.